Life Sucks
by VenusBerry
Summary: Minako drunkenly writes a diary entry covering her love life, spanning from the Silver Millenium to a year after the Stars Arc. Crack fic/Purely humorous retelling. One shot.


Life Sucks

A/N- I wrote this randomly, mainly because I couldn't think, and also, no inspiration was coming to me for Roses. It's a work in progress. This is different, new, and purely for good fun. It was either this or something really smutty. Just PM and I WILL write up some good smut trust me. Anyway, enjoy, and I don't own Sailor Moon!

Hi, my name is Aino freakin Minako, and my life sucks.

Call me what you want, Sailor Venus, Sailor V, Aphrodite, bitch. (I've gotten the last one quite a few times.) My name is Venus, and I'm a protector of the princess Serenity, heiress of the Moon. It's not as fun as it sounds. I've died a couple times. More like 5 times actually, but here I am. Reborn on 21st century Earth as Aino Minako, born October 22, Blood type B+, 18 years old, and a whole 5 foot 2 inches of badass.

Wait wait wait. Let's backtrack. My life doesn't suck. My romantic life however, that sucks.

Okay, once upon a time (god I love that) there was a kingdom on the moon. The fucking moon. Let that sink in. Now imagine that moon kingdom, except there's also a kingdom on Earth, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, and so on you get the idea.

The moon kingdom's princess, Princess Serenity, was a curious little thot, and decided the Moon wasn't good enough for her, so she ran off to Earth. Well that screwed everyone over. She fell in love with the Earth prince Endymion. Yay. Except love was forbidden between the two kingdoms, and they had to keep it a secret.

Now you wonder, where do I fit into this? I'm about to tell you.

Because Serenity was such a curious thot, I had to constantly drag my ass down there to retrieve her. And I was always getting lost because I have a horrible sense of direction and Earth is 75% plants and 0% signs telling you where to go.

BESIDES THE POINT, I was always getting lost, and I would happen to run into the occasional Golden Kingdom (that's the Earth palace by the way) staff, or if I was lucky, one of the Shittenou.

Here's some fun facts for you,

Shittenou legitimately means Four Heavenly Kings.

Now, they don't just give that name off to anybody, no no no. When they say heavenly kings, they mean heavenly kings.

These heavenly kings just so happened to be the commanding generals under the Prince Endymion.

Cool. Cool.

Except my dumbass had to go get involved with one of them.

Yup. Venus had a forbidden love.

Venus and Kunzite doomed from the start. (Can I get a tv show?)

But, like all good things, the word forbidden is there for a reason, and eventually, it had to come to an end.

In this case, a jealous bitch, we'll call her Beryl, had a serious obsession for the prince. Like serious. But the prince loved serenity, so Beryl did what every normal person does, seeks out a dark evil spirit, and uses it to destroy the universe and possess the Shittenou. Normal people stuff.

And so, Serenity commits suicide, I kill Kunzite, and THEN Beryl, and I die too. Everyone dies you can't forget that. Everyone but these 2 moon cats, Luna and Artemis. The queen, serenity's mother, puts the 2 moon cats in space containers (I don't know I wasn't alive) and basically puts them to sleep, then throws them into space, hoping they will one day come to awaken Serenity's guardians when we are reborn.

A few millenniums later, and here I am, reborn as Aino Minako with no memory of my past life.

Until a stupid white cat named Artemis (which is a girl's name) decides to show up in my life and tells me I'm Sailor Venus and I need to save the world.

This happened, I was not on drugs I promise.

So I do what any blonde teenage girl would do, accept the weird compact and pen from the talking cat. What could go wrong?

You know what went wrong? I got stuck remembering a lifetime of tragedy and I also have to fight monsters.

Yippee.

So I do it, I actually listened to what the fluffy bastard had to say and I strutted my ass out there to fight some monsters under the guise of Sailor V.

While under the code name: Sailor V (so badass) I met someone. Kaitou Ace. He was hot, I guess. Tricks me into thinking we were meant to be, and when I question it, he gets all pissed and complains about how I was too infatuated with Kunzite to pay attention to him in my past life.

Creepy but okay. He turned out to be a solider from Venus, who practically stalked me. I gave up on that romance quick, and he died but he's not important so it doesn't matter. Point is, I remember everything from my past life. All of it.

About a year passed or something, and more sailor soldiers show up, Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter-

Wait. I know what you're thinking.

Sailor Moon? What? There was never a guardian of the moon, only a moon princess! Yep, well Sailor Moon was a mistake. She wouldn't have existed had Luna had her memories, but someone decided it was a good idea to keep her memories hidden away.

Cough cough Artemis cough.

Anyway. We spend a good while looking for the Moon princess and the silver crystal, all while fighting the evil Shittenou and that Beryl bitch.

Wait. I forgot Tuxedo Mask.

There's this dude, pretty cute I must say, and he's kinda sketchy, always wearing his top hat and mask, stalking Sailor Moon, and says he needs the Silver Crystal because it's in his dreams. Like, okay buddy.

But regardless, he shows up conveniently whenever Sailor Moon is in trouble. I'm not complaining.

And yes. Back to what I said before, the very much EVIL Shittenou.

It only takes a few fights for me to work up the courage to tell my team that once upon a time (so cliche) they loved these men.

Now they remember everything. Meanwhile, Sailor Moon is trying to save reborn Endymion, who happened to be Tuxedo Mask, from Beryl. Yuck.

Like for real, this bitch has a reverse-harem going for her and she still needs Endymion.

Time-skip, we all try to save the Shittenou, they die. Then guess what, we die. Then Sailor Moon commits suicide. AGAIN. But she saves us all in the end, defeats the evil spirit Metalia, and gets Endymion back.

So it's over, we live, Serenity lives, Endymion lives, but the shittenou? They stay dead. No one ever revived them, no one ever questioned it. They were just forgotten.

Not by me. I remember. Maybe that's why my romantic life is such a mess.

I'm hung up on the past.

Honestly, it feels too wrong to move on. But one day, when Serenity becomes Neo Queen Serenity, and runs Crystal Tokyo, things will be different. Until then, I'm just Aino freakin Minako, living my sad tragic life.


End file.
